My love for food

It goes back for as long as I can remember. Most of my great memories involve food somehow, Christmas dinner at my Grammie's house when I was little and eating Christmas Pie... going out to eat with my Grandparents in the summers, midnight treats at my Grandparents: ice cream, rice cakes with cream cheese, english muffins with peanut butter, etc. Chocolate during holidays... grilling out in the summers... etc.  I LOVE food, good food!  I plan for meals weeks in advance... and most of the time they are not that healthy (because I have a habit of making a healthy meal a non healthy meal by adding cheese and sour cream and butter.) Then, I eat way too much.  When we order pizza I often eat more than my husband... it tastes so good I just can't stop... I will eat two more pieces after I'm fully aware that I am full and shouldn't eat any more.  What the heck is wrong with me?  It's like a sickness, could it be an addiction? The worst part is, I CRAVE foods, I crave them and think about them constantly until I have them. Pizza, burritos, key lime pie, chicken alfredo, chips and salsa, loaded baked potatoes... etc.

I'm admitting all of this because I've been fully aware of it for quite a long time but I'm not sure how to change it.  I envy the people that say they forget to eat sometimes, food isn't that important to them, they eat only to survive... isn't that the purpose of food... you eat because your body needs food to live.  But, with the way I eat, it's not just for survival.  I also have different eating habits for when I'm all alone... I eat more, and I eat things that I would be embarrassed to eat in front of others. There are times that I feel like one of those girls with an eating disorder... binging on a bunch of things because I crave the flavors... but the purging part never happens and then I just feel sick for the rest of the night.  Example: Last night I had dinner which was pork chops on the grill, veggies, and mashed potatoes. Then I had two bowls of cereal. Then I had some raisins, then a package of fruit snacks, and then a handfull of M&M's.  Why?... boredom... craving the different flavors and textures.

I have a problem. It needs to stop... but how?  Thankfully I'm not like this every day. But I absolutely get into a pattern... which needs to end.

I need to change how I think of food... but how???

Well I wasn't back for very long now was I...

I haven't written a single thing on here for over a year and I am ashamed!  About a month or so after my last post, I got really sick and gave up working out and once the weather got warm, life got busy.  I went walking as much as I could, and then stress set in. My husband injured himself on the job last summer and he was on short term leave because of it which put us in an awful financial drought. We were not able to catch up on things and I eventually decided to move back to my parents house until we got back on our feet. Seven months later I am still very much overweight and stressed as ever.  Living with my parents is incredibly stressful and I'm sure that I put a lot of it on myself. Meals were 99% of the time separate. My Dad, Step mom, and brothers would have their meals, and me, Joe and our sunshine would have ours either before or after.  Cooking and making meals in that time of situation becomes hectic and I felt like I was imposing all of the time... so there was a lot more eating out and eating unhealthy.  I actually gained weight by the time we moved out after losing weight when I began taking online college courses last fall (lots of homework = less time to eat).

We are now in an apartment... 3rd floor walk-up... so that should burn some calories that weren't being burned before.  I also had my first "freezer cooking" meal prep session this past weekend. Made about 7 crockpot meals, a few things to go in the oven, some meat for the grill, and about 28 twice baked potato halves.  That should not only help with money, but with portion control as well, it also helps shave down some time everyday when I would be spending that time making dinner... which makes for a more relaxed wife/mommy.

While moving to the new place I had quite a bit of reality thrown in my face as my sister's boyfriend was helping us move and while doing so, photo albums and random pictures were popping up from 6+ years ago and all I kept hearing was little comments about how he couldn't believe I was every that skinny, shocked that I ever looked that pretty, he didn't really believe my family about the amount of weight I've actually gained, and then as my husband and I were joking around... just me and him... where I made a comment about having a ghetto booty which is an inside joke between the two of us... this guy chimed in to say, "yea, your butt is pretty big" and then walked away... not even joking.  Not sure if there has ever been a day that I felt worse about myself than that day.  

I hope to be back on track with weight-loss soon...
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