My love for food

It goes back for as long as I can remember. Most of my great memories involve food somehow, Christmas dinner at my Grammie's house when I was little and eating Christmas Pie... going out to eat with my Grandparents in the summers, midnight treats at my Grandparents: ice cream, rice cakes with cream cheese, english muffins with peanut butter, etc. Chocolate during holidays... grilling out in the summers... etc.  I LOVE food, good food!  I plan for meals weeks in advance... and most of the time they are not that healthy (because I have a habit of making a healthy meal a non healthy meal by adding cheese and sour cream and butter.) Then, I eat way too much.  When we order pizza I often eat more than my husband... it tastes so good I just can't stop... I will eat two more pieces after I'm fully aware that I am full and shouldn't eat any more.  What the heck is wrong with me?  It's like a sickness, could it be an addiction? The worst part is, I CRAVE foods, I crave them and think about them constantly until I have them. Pizza, burritos, key lime pie, chicken alfredo, chips and salsa, loaded baked potatoes... etc.

I'm admitting all of this because I've been fully aware of it for quite a long time but I'm not sure how to change it.  I envy the people that say they forget to eat sometimes, food isn't that important to them, they eat only to survive... isn't that the purpose of food... you eat because your body needs food to live.  But, with the way I eat, it's not just for survival.  I also have different eating habits for when I'm all alone... I eat more, and I eat things that I would be embarrassed to eat in front of others. There are times that I feel like one of those girls with an eating disorder... binging on a bunch of things because I crave the flavors... but the purging part never happens and then I just feel sick for the rest of the night.  Example: Last night I had dinner which was pork chops on the grill, veggies, and mashed potatoes. Then I had two bowls of cereal. Then I had some raisins, then a package of fruit snacks, and then a handfull of M&M's.  Why?... boredom... craving the different flavors and textures.

I have a problem. It needs to stop... but how?  Thankfully I'm not like this every day. But I absolutely get into a pattern... which needs to end.

I need to change how I think of food... but how???

Well I wasn't back for very long now was I...

I haven't written a single thing on here for over a year and I am ashamed!  About a month or so after my last post, I got really sick and gave up working out and once the weather got warm, life got busy.  I went walking as much as I could, and then stress set in. My husband injured himself on the job last summer and he was on short term leave because of it which put us in an awful financial drought. We were not able to catch up on things and I eventually decided to move back to my parents house until we got back on our feet. Seven months later I am still very much overweight and stressed as ever.  Living with my parents is incredibly stressful and I'm sure that I put a lot of it on myself. Meals were 99% of the time separate. My Dad, Step mom, and brothers would have their meals, and me, Joe and our sunshine would have ours either before or after.  Cooking and making meals in that time of situation becomes hectic and I felt like I was imposing all of the time... so there was a lot more eating out and eating unhealthy.  I actually gained weight by the time we moved out after losing weight when I began taking online college courses last fall (lots of homework = less time to eat).

We are now in an apartment... 3rd floor walk-up... so that should burn some calories that weren't being burned before.  I also had my first "freezer cooking" meal prep session this past weekend. Made about 7 crockpot meals, a few things to go in the oven, some meat for the grill, and about 28 twice baked potato halves.  That should not only help with money, but with portion control as well, it also helps shave down some time everyday when I would be spending that time making dinner... which makes for a more relaxed wife/mommy.

While moving to the new place I had quite a bit of reality thrown in my face as my sister's boyfriend was helping us move and while doing so, photo albums and random pictures were popping up from 6+ years ago and all I kept hearing was little comments about how he couldn't believe I was every that skinny, shocked that I ever looked that pretty, he didn't really believe my family about the amount of weight I've actually gained, and then as my husband and I were joking around... just me and him... where I made a comment about having a ghetto booty which is an inside joke between the two of us... this guy chimed in to say, "yea, your butt is pretty big" and then walked away... not even joking.  Not sure if there has ever been a day that I felt worse about myself than that day.  

I hope to be back on track with weight-loss soon...
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I'm baaaaack :)

I have been a huge slacker up until now! I spent all that time cutting out the pop in my life... and I was completely focused on it, which may have been the problem. After just over a month I realized that trading it in for water did absolutely nothing for my waistline and so I didn't see the point anymore, I was so frustrated.

Recently though, I have made a special little mental note for myself on how to weed out the bad and take in more good. Before I eat anything I ask myself if it's only going to make me temporarily happy, or if it will help to make me happier in the future. In other words... ice cream and pop is only a temporary happy, and carrots, salad, and water is the kind of happy that is long term. As goofy as it may sound, it is really doing the trick. Before, I was always on that kind of diet where I would tell myself to indulge today and be good tomorrow. Well, there were alot of todays and not enough tomorrows.

I have also started to work out on a normal basis. I have to admit that I've only been doing this for a couple weeks... but the fact that I have actually forced myself to get out of bed 40 minutes earlier just to workout...3 times in the last week... that is just amazing and I'm super proud of myself. Walking is my other new favorite thing. The weather hasn't been too favorable, but I did have a chance to go for two "fast paced" walks a couple weeks ago and a couple days later I was still feeling great from it and slightly more trimmed though it didn't show on the scale.

Today I got my first official... "you look like you have lost weight, it shows in your tummy, good for you!!!"... and it felt AMAZING!!! It's a new day... a new day closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin once again!

slacker beyond measure

So... I have not been going down to the fitness room during my lunch, I have worked out once at home... and I gave up on giving up pop! To say the least I have been pretty discouraged by everything. I am the type of person that needs to see results asap. When I didn't see an ounce of difference in the way that I felt and the extra pounds hanging from my bones after I gave up pop for over 1 1/2 months, I basically figured it didn't matter if I drank it or not. I also just haven't really had to energy or motivation to work out. My daughter is going to be a year old in about three weeks and I haven't lost more than five pounds since about a month after she was born... no matter what I do. At this point I'm planning my own little fast of sorts. Which means I'm basically going to eat a lot less. I've noticed that whether I eat a small breakfast or not, I usually get hungry around the same time right around 11am. So I figure that there isn't really a point in forcing myself to eat at 9am when I'm not really hungry, when I'm just going to get hungry whether I've eaten two hours before that or not. Lunch is a must... but dinner is going to be less important these days since I typically don't get any food in me until about 7 or 8 anyway... sometimes even 9. Eating that late in the day is really bad and kind of sabotaging any hopes of losing the weight since it just sits in my stomach all night... so I'm planning to either eat some veggies, or drink some v8 and be done with it. I am very aware of how unhealthy this sounds, but I'm at my breaking point and I admit it... I need to see some kind of results before I will regain any kind of motivation. Oh... and I'm going back to no pop for most days, but I'm not going to tell myself that I CAN'T have it, but rather, won't have it most of the time just because it's really not healthy.

I have spent the last year not wanting to do any kind of major change to my diet because I've been nursing my daughter this whole time... but that is going to change very soon to only once or twice per day... before bed and first thing in the morning... so I can focus now on dropping this disgusting weight I've allowed myself to gain.

Is it over?

It has been over a month now since I stopped drinking pop. I haven't touched it since, not even one single sip. Now I'm wondering... will I ever have it again? Is it like alcohol... if I have any it will cause a horrible slide down the the bottom of where I started? I still crave it sometimes, I gaze longingly at my husbands ice cold mountain dew... and then I chug a huge glass of water like I'm dying.

On a pathetic note... I have not been working out much. Actually, twice now that I've gotten on the elliptical out of the last three times I've worked out, I had to stop around 15 minutes because I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm not sure what is causing this. I have enough water and food beforehand... and I know I can do about 25 minutes now... but things really started to get a little hazy and I didn't want to take any chances. It makes me feel like such a failure, and then it also causes my motivation to go and do it again even lower than it normally is. I would like to say I'm going to do the "30 Day Shred" DVD tomorrow morning after Audrey has breakfast... but odds are I won't... Lets see if I can prove myself wrong! :)

It's exhausting

Two days straight I've worked out in the office fitness room. Yesterday I felt like I was going to pass out, so I only made it to 17 minutes on the elliptical... but pushed myself to still do 100 crunches, I figured if I passed out, I was already laying on the floor, lol! Today I made it to my personal goal for the moment of 25 minutes and 100 crunches. I'm hoping to get to 30 minutes within another week or two. Tomorrow my workout buddy and I have decided to take a brisk walk outside during the lovely weather that has been forecasted.
I have the "30 Day Shred" DVD at home, only tried it once, I just can't seem to push myself to workout once at home with sunshine. I've had a co-worker borrow it, and then go out and buy her own copy, and has now been doing it for over two weeks with some slight results... but I can't seem to do it when I've owned the DVD for months! Maybe I will get some guts to do it over the weekend... I am in better shape than I was when I first attempted it and couldn't even get through the whole 30 minutes!

Still no pop... I wonder when I will ever allow myself to have it again, I'm almost afraid to... like it will be a failure if I give in, even after so long...

More Motivated than Expected!

So I can officially say that I have not had SODA POP in over three weeks now! It's been YEARS since I could say that... and even then I was probably forgetting a sip here or there. After many moments of almost taking a sip of my husbands Mountain Dew, or like Saturday night when I was craving a can so badly I could taste it... I've stuck to it and continued to drink mostly water. When I was having the urge on Saturday, I drank a huge glass of water and was so full afterward that I would not have had any room for pop. I'm really proud of myself that I didn't give in!

I am still surprised that I have not really lost much weight though. I thought that maybe this would be the trick to a sudden drop. I have noticed a slight difference in the way my clothes fit, and I'm certainly not so bloated all the time... who would have thought that "no more pop" would help all that.

On the other hand, I have not been working out. I was feeling absolutely horrible yesterday, and today I had to run some errands during my lunch to get some organic fruit and apple sauce for my sweet girl... only the best for my sunshine! I hope to work out the rest of the week... Wed, Thurs, Fri. (Since I doubt I will be doing anything over the long weekend... well, besides organizing my home a bit... so needed!)